newme

The most certain ever. The most chaotic ever. The most depressed ever. The most happy ever. All at the same time.
I don't know the future even though I know the most past ever. Seems to be a forever blur. How can this be?
People telling me not to express this so loudly. Not so publicly. Like muffling a baby's first cry at birth.
Finding an umbilical cord that leads to blurs. Names and faces on faded photographs. Some people are barely affected by it all.


All zest for life is gone. Like reading a book to end, no desire to read another word. Not for sadness but for completion.
No, no therapist. No medication needed to talk me out of reality or numb it. Can I ever focus again? On what?
Shhh... don't tell anyone.

As some readers might know, I was adopted at age 4. For 50 years, I casually searched for my birth family but in June 2018 my state changed the law so that adoptees could submit forms that would grant identifying information if either the birth parents agree or if they were deceased. I did so and by November 2nd I received my original birth certificate with my biological mother's name. Ironically, I was adopted on November 2nd 1972. Within days I had located my "half" birth siblings. Again, both biological parents were deceased. The biological father died on my birthday in 2017. I was a year too late. Stupid humans telling other humans what they can and cannot know and do. Anyhow...