Humans: A Technical Manual for Aliens

Everything extraterrestrials need to know about humans before visiting planet Earth

Human Manual

Whether you are coming from Proxima b or one of the seven TRAPPIST-1 planets or LHS 1140b Earth may seem like an exotic fantasy; I mean really? Life on another planet? If you decide to venture to the Milky Way, be careful of the debris in the orbit around the planet Earth. You should especially avoid the KH-9 Hexagon satellite. On approach to the planet, you should find a remote island away from population centers as your landing and base of operations. Do not go near any farm fields especially on the land mass called England.

You will need to consider how you plan on blending in, as humans are a very hostile species. You could disguise yourself as an actual human or any of the many other lifeforms on the planet. Just be aware that almost all other forms of life are often eaten by the humans; and sometimes humans eat other humans. So, if you want to have a successful excursion you should plan well for safety.

COMMUNICATION

Humans communicate via vocalizations through an aperture called a mouth. All the sounds they make are not necessarily meaningful and can be confused with sounds emanating from other orifices in their bodies. The various sounds they make are not consistent across the planet and meanings can be different from human to human, especially based on their geographical location. Besides direct contact, communication devices are utilized including boxes or panels with organized light fractals which apparently consume a large amount of humans alert time. It is not uncommon to see multiple humans carrying small rectangular fractal panels at the end of an appendage. Our scientists are still trying to determine if these units are detachable from some of the humans. If you choose to appear as a human, make sure to acquire one or more of these devices so that you blend in.

TRAVEL

The bipedular locomotion of humans makes them considerably slower than almost all the other creatures on the planet which has been compensated by a variety of vehicular inventions. We are still uncertain why the humans do not use all 4 of their limbs to move with the exception of when they are very young. It is possible as they age they forget the benefits of having 2 more locomotive levers. If you plan on appearing as a non-human species, consider the limitations of travel access. For example, humans do not allow most other creatures to utilize the vehicles they have built. Further, you may cause suspicion if you appear outside the normal operating zone of the creature you are mimicking. Always be alert to humans' vehicles as the rules on where and how they operate does not always follow a logical pattern.

DIETARY

As mentioned earlier, humans will consume almost any other creature and a large amount of foliage. If you plan on partaking of the local Earth cuisine just make sure you know what you are eating. While some of their food comes in packaging claiming to describe the contents of the food, those descriptions are not always accurate. Do not be confused by the long line of humans or their vehicles at places where food is being distributed through a hole in a wall. This form of nourishment is not considered of high quality. Lastly, about food the humans often consume liquid forms of rotten fauna mixed with other plants. This liquid has been known to impair the human reasoning ability. Take care when this activity is occurring.

MAIN ACTIVITY

Besides spending exorbitant amount of time fixated on the pixel panels, humans usually fill their awake time by grouping together for about 8 Earth "hours" at different places. Some of them distribute food through a hole in a wall while others sit in front of larger pixelized panels pressing cubes which changes the light configurations on the panels. Still other humans engage in more aggressive activities during their awake time such as digging holes in the ground or flying metal tubes around with other humans seated inside; often still looking at the pixel panels.

After this activity, the humans gather with other groups in right angled boxes performing all sorts of other tasks; some which are too crude to mention even in this manual.

DEPARTURE

If you have been cautious enough to survive your trip among the humans, you may want to consider bringing back a few souvenirs. Do not remove humans from their environment as it will cause other humans to wildly speculate about their disappearance. Also, do not bring back any of the food distributed through holes in walls as it may be toxic to our planet. Might we suggest something organic like a rock. While you may be eager to take a non-human creature, their departure could also be detected by the humans as some of the non-human creatures are not merely food but companions or masters to the humans.

Upon exiting Earth, do so during darkness where any observation by the humans can be confused as one of their own vehicles. Again, be careful of colliding with the various objects in orbit around the planet, especially ISS, where the humans apparently send small groups of criminals for reform. Thanks and we hope you have a safe and enjoyable trip.